Hey ya’ll. I was recently reminded that it can feel daunting to enter into a relationship with an individual with a chronic pain condition and I wanted to talk about it. So here we are.
First, a shoutout to the people in pain: You are 100% worthy of love and partnership, diagnoses included.
Now, to the potential and active partners:
The fact that someone is sharing their diagnosis with you is a great start to a possibly great relationship. The risk that the person sharing has taken by being so open with you suggests to me that they are taking this leap with some feeling of security that you will catch them, or at least ask them where the net is so you can run and grab it for them.
What do you do next?
1. Do your research.
When someone shares their diagnosis, do the work. It’s not the responsibility of the person sharing to fill you in completely.
*Helpful tip, don’t just read the WebMD or Mayo Clinic write ups. While sites like those can be very informational, I find a more humanistic approach is to read or listen to firsthand accounts about the diagnosis from individuals actively living with the condition.
2. After educating yourself a bit, ask your partner what their experience is like.
Not everyone experiences the same diagnosis in the same way, so it will be helpful to understand what your partner’s unique experience is. Remind them that how and when they communicate that information is on their terms (check earlier blogs on how to communicate about pain). My guess is that both your curiosity and the permission to share as they wish will earn you brownie points
3. Learn their do’s and don’ts.
What meds do they prefer in which situations? What foods and drinks help and hurt? Do they prefer ice or heat? What’s their favorite movie to watch, music to listen to, clothing to wear? Do they want you to hold them and tell them a story or do they want to be left alone in a silent, dark room?
4. Recognize that even with a full medical degree under your belt, if you do not personally live with chronic pain, you will never truly understand what it is like. And that’s okay. You can still be a rockstar support to your partner even without that lived experience.
5. Be introspective and honest with yourself if this is something you are willing to work at.
If you are an individual who is considering a relationship, actively dating, or long haul committed to a person who has chronic pain, you are not a horrible human for feeling overwhelmed. It is overwhelming to be around pain chronically.
6. Just don’t take it personally.
Living in pain is tough stuff and when someone run out of spoons, they don’t have much left themselves, much less you, no offense. But please, feel your feelings and let your partner know if they have been ineffective in their communication. You are not a burden for also having needs in the relationship and it’s your right to be able to share them with your partner and for them to be taken into consideration as well.
7. Be effective in your communication.
Above is not permission to throw what they said or did in their pain rage back in their faces when they are feeling better. They know what they did and they probably already feel bad about it. Chances are starting a conversation like that when they are finally feeling better isn’t going to be helpful for anyone. Learn one another’s love languages and don’t be afraid to communicate your preferences and boundaries then advocate for both.
Brief intermission while I ask my partner about his recommendations. He is after all the best partner in pain.
1. Realize that sometimes there’s nothing you can do.
Same bro, same. Hopefully it’s validating to both parties that it is so frustrating that there is not always a “quick fix” to the problem. You can share in those feelings together, and sharing is caring.
2. Learn to accept #1.
It’s hard for a person in pain to accept that these sensations might occur for the rest of their lives and it makes sense that their partner might feel a little hopeless about it sometimes too. I say to both parties, acknowledge that right now the typical tools are not working right now. I wouldn’t be so quick to accept that nothing will work because things can change, even moment to moment. Give it a minute and try again or try something new, it might work!
3. It’s okay to ask questions.
When you are better informed, you are better prepared to proceed as needed.
4. Know that things take time.
Getting a diagnosis can take time. Finding meds and therapies that work take time. Figuring out the do’s and don’ts as a person in pain and as a partner in pain take time. Adjust expectations accordingly.
5. Be nice.
Find things your partner likes to do and can do when they’re in pain and offer to do those things with them when they need a distraction (see told you he was good at this)!
So, to the partners in pain out there, thank you. That sentiment sometimes gets lost in the sauce, but we see your efforts and they are so appreciated.