While we’ve been trying not to surrender to internal and external pressures out there (read our last blog post to learn more); we’re not perfect, we’re just like everyone else…a work in progress. A thought that has been rolling around up there like clothes on a repeat cycle is the responsibility (read: obligation) we at BFF Therapy often feel to share our experiences, thoughts, and feelings, but only in a way that is perceived as helpful to who we hope is reading (i.e., kids, teens, young adults, parents, aw who are we kidding: humans! Although, you know we are fans of furry friends and are not objecting to the possibility of extra-terrestrial life that enjoys a good blog). We don’t want it to seem like we use our outlets as personal venting opportunities or just make things about us. I think at least for me (oh hey, Dr. J here), with this platform I just want to be the best role model I can be.
I do try in session from my very first meeting with a new client to be completely myself in hopes that my kiddos really feel comfortable to do the same. For example, I try and be a little goofy, make clear that I won’t always have all the answers, and remind them that the answer “I don’t know” is a totally acceptable response in therapy (no pressure, remember?). But being comfortable to be completely yourself ISN’T always that easy.
There are some things about my life and my experience that I don’t openly share in session because after all, it’s not about me. But there have been things, especially over the past year or two that I have also kept from the people closest to me in my life. Soooo, in an attempt to be a better role model, I want to talk a bit about some of my experiences with pain. You see, pain comes in many different forms; although, the overlap of physical and mental/emotional pain is real and will definitely be a separate blog post. I want my clients to know that even if the idea of sharing your experience is uncomfortable and if there is also a voice in your head that says things like “it’s not that bad,” “other people have it worse,” or “I don’t want to seem like I’m always complaining,” your pain is valid and you shouldn’t have to carry it alone.
I am not here to place blame on any one system specifically regarding the discomfort that comes with the idea of, much less the actual sharing of a person’s experience with pain. It also feels like with this post, I am in some ways placing pressure on people, kids especially, to simply overcome their fears in this area and be vulnerable by sharing their pain. Note, it has taken me over 30 years and lots of constant encouragement from some very special people (you know who you are) to get to this place, so why not share my can-you-call-it-wisdom? in the hopes that maybe by having/being a model and opening up the conversation about it, sharing experiences of pain becomes less stigmatized, more normalized, and easier for people to talk about, listen to, and support.
Think about it: we are given the message from super early on that feeling pain or expressing discomfort is not something to attend to or to stop for. When toddlers fall, we exclaim, YOU’RE OKAY! Now please do not come for me, I’m a Child Psychologist and I know the theory and potential benefits of taking a scared little one and letting them know that they are/will be alright if they scared themselves after tripping over their own feet. On the other hand, they are getting the message that whatever feelings they are having in that moment should be shushed and activity should continue immediately as though nothing happened.
I’m even guilty of perpetuating this in my own practice! I once had a little sign in my office that said CHOOSE HAPPY! until one of my teens reminded me how ridiculous and frustrating the message was because she was not choosing to be sad and if she could simply choose to be happy with a snap of her finger, she would.
Ugh, I am totally still procrastinating the sharing of my own stuff, but I never said this was going to be easy! Look forward to sarcasm and movie references because that’s how I make hard things feel easier. There is no right way to talk about tough stuff and it is not your responsibility to manage the emotions of others, so share your feelings and experiences however is best for you.
Many people that know me personally know that I have had a bad back for over a decade. This has come with all kinds of fun side-effects, but most enjoyable is the chronic nerve pain hip-to-toe on both sides of my body. You would think the waist down would be it, but over the past year and a half, there were new, little lightning bolts striking the nerves in my arms and hands too. But wait, there’s more! Over the past few months, this pain has traveled to my face. We are talking head-to-toe! I literally feel like the Girl on Fire in my body’s own personal version of the Hunger Games. This is in conjunction with a bad gut, which is a discussion for another day. The plan is that this blog is the start of many conversations and posts about how therapists are physically impacted by the work that we do, how the medical system has its flaws, and how verbal invalidation can hurt more than any nerve pain I’ve personally experienced and I just used the words fire and lightning.
Big goals, small steps.
Step One: Friendly reminder that pain is a human experience and is valid (CHECK!)
Step Two: Acknowledge that talking about pain is tough and then talk about it anyway (CHECK!)
Step Three: Discuss ways to respond to someone who then asks you how you are doing/feeling (Keep Scrolling!)
Once you get those voices in your head telling you not to talk about your pain to quiet down or go to another room, I bet the people that matter will check in on you more often because you are awesome and you are loved!
I know it is so much easier to say, “I’m fine” or “Better!” when someone asks how you are doing or feeling. I do it often. But then I feel bad that I kind of lied. Plus, pain is all relative. Technically, if I was at a 10 yesterday, but today I’m at an 8, I am feeling better, but I am most definitely not fine.
Here are a few examples of how to respond instead:
1). We can experience more than one feeling at the same time. Something you might say is, “I’m not physically feeling great, but I’m glad to hear from you!”
2). Don’t be afraid to communicate your needs. You know yourself best and can’t really be frustrated with someone’s response if you are not being honest with them about what you need. You could say, “I’m actually hurting today and am so perfectly distracted by this Netflix series so can we talk later?”
3). Fun fact: You don’t owe anyone an immediate response! If you aren’t feeling up to checking or responding to calls or texts, you snuggle up with your puppy in your pajamas in your comfy bed, soak in that hot Epsom bath, or listen to a podcast if you think taking a walk will make you feel better, guilt free.
Keep in mind, what I shared today about my personal experience was focused on physical pain. But as I was writing and re-reading this, I was interchanging the words physical and emotional, and you can read it with either or go wild and try both!
If you are experiencing pain in any way, shape, or form, imagine me opening my arms for a big air hug! If you’ve made it to the end of the blog and feel a little overwhelmed by some of the steps above, don’t fret! You have already completed a couple steps by reading this and considering the concept that by sharing your pain, you are not necessarily placing a burden on someone else, but you are starting to lift the burden off yourself. Congrats on getting this far and stay tuned for more conversations + tips about feeling and sharing your pain.